Reading time ~19 minutes
For anyone selling anything, being rejected on a regular basis is par for the course. It is going to happen and it’s gonna hurt. We’ll explore below why that is and how we can deal with this. Ideally, business is just business and we wouldn’t react to rejection when it happens. We’d just take it for what it is: a signal that a prospect is not interested and move on. But in reality, we often pour so much of ourselves in our work, that being rejected feels more like a personal insult where we take the rejection of our offering, be it products or services as a personal affront. It’s especially true for us, creative people, who are trying to sell our thinking.
If you’re particularly sensitive to what other people say about your work, perhaps the selling part is not for you and better left to seasoned salespeople. Some people have thicker skin than others and can take rejection all day, every day and never think twice about it. For others, including yours truly, there is a small part of us that cannot help but take it personally. When that happens, we can train ourselves to handle the situation swiftly in order to avoid being taken out of commission because we can’t handle it on a personal level.
How to reject people with grace and class
Not all rejections are made equal, some people are really good at being direct and open about their choices while being gentle at the same time. These people have mastered the art of being empathetic and by putting themselves in someone else’s shoes are able to say no while being very gracious about it. I once received a rejection letter from a Simon Sinek’s press team that actually made me feel good about being rejected. I had requested a podcast interview and Sinek was too busy to appear on my podcast.
Below is an excerpt from the letter. That level of people skills is the gold standard that we should all strive for:
“I'm Jen on Simon's press team. Thank you for taking the time to reach out with your request to spread Simon’s message. We love it when people choose to share the WHY in their own right to inspire others. That is what makes the movement to inspire strong. So, thank you.
Simon is only one person. While we wish we could say ‘yes!’ to every worthwhile request that comes in, we are simply unable. Simon is knee-deep in writing his next book, The Infinite Game. We are doing our best to give him the space to keep charging ahead with the writing process and his significant commitments to grow the WHY movement. For this reason, we are going to graciously pass on your request.
Thank you again for what you are doing to make the world around you a better place. Your WHY (and HOW-- the podcast is great) is an inspired way to help the professional creative community!”
Reading the text carefully, we notice that a few elements stand out:
She responds by acknowledging the time and effort it took to reach out and says thank you. At no point, there is a hint of “We’re too cool for school and you should be happy that we deign to give you the time of day”. Her answer is positive, polite and empathetic.
She acknowledges the validity of the request and the purpose of it.
Then she proceeds to explain in detail why he is too busy to take on this request. Which is another way to say “your podcast isn’t significant enough for us to consider”, but without being hurtful.
She closes the letter by acknowledging once more what I am trying to accomplish and encouraging it.
I am aware that it may look like a shit sandwich on the surface. A shit sandwich is a way to give feedback that sugarcoats bad news or negative commentary with meaningless niceties and is completely ineffective. There is one major difference, in this case, is that the letter reads authentic. For anyone familiar with Sinek’s work, the response is completely consistent with his message, purpose and everyone working with him will communicate in a similar fashion, a sign that he has mastered the cultural foundation of his business. The authenticity and empathy are what make this missive stand out from the rest. I remember when I first received it, it actually felt good to read it because it wasn’t a rejection of myself or my work, but merely based on his inability to fulfill every request he gets, and Jen was a master at getting this point across.
How to deal with painful rejection:
Unfortunately, the majority of people don’t have nearly that level of skill and their rejections will be clumsy, merciless and will invariably sting. The degree of pain is directly correlated to their communication skills. Some people might even be total assholes about it and purposely try to hurt you while rejecting you. Perhaps their mommy didn’t love them enough or their spouse drove them crazy that day, but whatever the reason, better be prepared for it. There is nothing we can do about the other party’s actions, but there are things we can do to make that pill a little easier to swallow on our end.
At a high level, being clear on your business’s purpose, mission and values make it easier to endure rejection. Knowing what you stand for and being clear on how you can help your clients with clearly articulated solutions helps tremendously, because if you consciously know why you do what you do and truly believe in it, then rejection just becomes another hurdle on the way, the true goal being to find your people, that is, the type of clients that believe in what you do and are culturally aligned with your business. If and when you reach that level of mastery no amount of rejection will affect you because you are anchored on a solid foundation. What’s even more amazing is that the stronger your culture is, the less you will be rejected as the people you interact with on a daily basis will become more and more aligned with you.
That enables you to take rejection for what it is: merely the expression of a lack of desire on someone’s part to interact with you or your business, but ultimately that has nothing to do with you. It’s much easier to deal with rejection when one is grounded and clear on their purpose.
Another thing that helps is Meditation. It teaches us that all things in life are impermanent and in a constant state of flux. Good things come and go, but so do the bad. If we learn to accept the impermanent nature of life and stop craving for things, then we truly learn what’s important and let go of the things of unimportant nature, such as rejection. It is a tremendous practise that helps us stay grounded in tough times.
Some tricks that help.
One trick I’ve learned from a coach I’ve worked with is to constantly remind myself that I can train myself to be completely detached from the outcome when I am selling my services. I do so by repeating a predetermined mantra every day before starting my work. While this is very effective in the short term to overcome minor barriers and a great way to remind myself why it is that I do what I do, it is only a quick fix that if not practiced every day will quickly lose its value.
Perhaps, it’s the way we talk about our work that’s not convincing enough to make prospects see the true value of what we do. While we may think that our work is a gift from God in our heads - and it could very well be - if that fact is not clearly articulated when we try to sell our ideas and we cannot convince a prospect in 30 seconds or less why they should hire us, or at least grant us an audience, then this gift from God is useless. The best thing to do in that case is to educate ourselves and learn how to sell effectively so that we are rejected less often. A common mistake is that we all tend to talk about ourselves when trying to convince prospects to buy our services while failing to look for and address the client’s pain points. It’s a lot easier to persuade someone when the conversation is about them and how what we offer can make their life easier.
Another possible avenue for improvement is to be picky about the people we try to sell to. By trying to connect with just about anyone with a pulse, in order to sell our services, we end up talking to many unqualified prospects and therefore increasing our chances of rejection. By being more choosy, we end up connecting with people who have the greatest potential to become clients and thus reduce our chance of being rejected.
The way we conduct ourselves also says a lot about who we are and the people we speak to always pick-up on non-verbal communication, even on the phone. The first few seconds of interaction can make or break the rest of the conversation. Being polite and grateful, as well as training yourself to become good at small talk, go a long way to get people to open up to what we have to offer more quickly. A quick way to create rapport with a stranger is to ask them questions about themselves, it will make them feel valued and validated and will open the door to further conversation very quickly.
Ultimately, rejection is easier for some of us, but it isn’t easy for most people. Finding ways to cope with it in the short term is useful, but working on your own resilience and that of your business, by striving to develop services that have a lot of value and that people want, will lead you to be more successful in the long term, while facing fewer “nos”. When you become a master at your craft, people will come to you and beg you to work with them, which ultimately makes dealing with rejection irrelevant.
What about you? What are some of the tricks you use to deal with rejection?
Arnaud Marthouret is the founder of rvltr and leads their strategy, visual communications and media efforts. He has helped numerous architects and interior designers promote themselves in their best light - pun intended - in order to help them run more effective practices and grow in a meaningful way.
If you have questions about this article or rvltr, or want to chat about your strategy and communications, you can leave a comment, share with a friend, or reach him at arnaudrvltr.studio.